They said everything was going to be okay if I would just forget about it
If I would just forget about it
If I could just forget about it, I could look at the bottom of steering wheels
Like a normal person
If I could just forget about it, I could count to twenty-eight and not feel
Like crumpled up paper airplanes made out of laundry listed time lines
Of where I was supposed to be right now
All wrinkled up and fucked up and thrown right into the garbage can
To be picked up on Mondays with all the rest of your unwanted things
If I could just forget about it
I would let other people pay for my tea and not feel like there was a tag
On the back of my neck that said: I’m Not Allowed To Say No
Because no is a privilege, not a given right
And people only have to listen sometimes
They say that you’re supposed to scream “no” at the top of your lungs
You’re supposed to shake your head and squeeze your legs together
You’re supposed to not look like a slut but it would be more convenient
For everyone if you did
So it would be easier to blame you
For the worst day of your life
Because you did everything you’re supposed to do
And it still failed
There are blogs, articles, books and journals detailing “How To’s” on
How Not To Get Raped
But I guess my rapist didn’t read them
Because when I screamed “no” he laughed and said “No what?”
When I shook my head, he grabbed my hair and yanked my skull back
So fast and so hard that my neck cracked
And when I squeezed my legs together, he pried them apart with his
I wish I could say that I was dressed like a slut to relieve you of how
Awkward this must be for you – you know – reading about my rape
But I was in an oversized t-shirt and panties
And I wish I could say that it was just some stranger
And I was wrongfully going out on a late night Ben & Jerry’s run
For my overactive hormones
While PMSing
But it was a regular Wednesday night
And I knew the guy
I knew him so well that on Thursday nights we cuddled up and watched Scandal
I knew him so well that I sang John Mayer to him through my shower door
I knew him so well that he brought me cartons of blueberries because he knew
That they were my favorite fruit
I wasn’t going out on a late night Ben & Jerry’s run
I was going to sleep
In my bed
In my apartment
With the guy that I apparently knew so well, right next to me
And sure, we had recently stopped the Friends With Benefits thing
Because he had gotten a little too rough a few too many times
But I guess I must have been a dumb bitch that deserved it for thinking
That we could be just friends
So, this is where you stop reading, right?
